Sensate Focused Sex Therapy: How Does it Feel?

Sensate Focused Sex Therapy: How Does it Feel?

Jun 14, 2018

Written By Jennifer Kane, LCSW and EFT practitioner

You can contact Jennifer to schedule an appt at JKane@InsightCounselingCenter.com

Most couples that come into my office aren’t happy with their sex life. As an Emotionally-Focused (EFT) couples therapist, it makes sense: partners who don’t share a secure, healthy attachment bond often feel estranged in many ways, especially in vulnerable areas like sex. Couples get caught in negative cycles of behavior that block intimacy and connection. The EFT therapist helps partners understand these cycles, the emotions that drive them, and ultimately how to share and ask for their needs to be met by each other.

 Disconnection in sex can have many symptoms. Couples may have difficulty even discussing the subject, and rely on mind-reading or inaccurate cues to make assumptions. Some partners are afraid to risk rejection if they make a sexual advance that is turned down for any reason. Other partners are afraid they won’t “perform” well enough, or that they are inadequate and insufficient in pleasing their partners. Many couples wonder why they don’t feel the level of intense passion they felt at the beginning of their relationship, and assume there must be something wrong with them if they don’t. Even more common are “desire discrepancies,” where one partner feels distanced and lonely for a sexual relationship and the other just isn’t that into it. Guilt, pressure, obligation, resentments and misunderstandings can quickly take over. For many couples, it’s easier to ignore the subject altogether than to open the door to more hurt and distance. They may go months or years without sexual intimacy, adding insult and injury to an already strained relationship.

If the couple is brave enough to confront the issues that keep them apart, therapy can help. For an EFT therapist, it’s time to go deep into “attachment-land,” focusing on the neglected emotions and primary needs of each partner that can be disguised as critical attacks or angry withdrawals. The same protests and defenses that signal our need for emotional connection can be attributed to sexual problems as well. Either way, couples are left feeling insecure about their bond, unsure of their desirability, and hopeless about how to fix it. But as the emotions underlying each partner’s behaviors and attachment needs are expressed and shared, safety can start to creep back in. When couples feel “reconnected,” all areas of the relationship improve, including sex.   Couples can identify when they are out of step and experience new ways of coming back together. They can go from needing to “watch their backs” to feeling they “have each other’s backs.” What a huge difference!

 Some couples who have particularly negative patterns of interacting sexually can also benefit from “Sensate Focus Sex Therapy,” an effective tool in a couple therapist’s toolbox. This model helps couples restart their physical connection from scratch, beginning with the basic premise that sex is a natural function that can neither be forced nor denied. In a series of structured, specific exercises, couples learn to touch each other again in the most basic sense of the word, starting with a non-sexual touch, mindful only of the sensations of temperature, pressure and texture and intentionally avoiding distractions such as “Am I doing this right?” “Am I really in the mood?” “I hope this will satisfy him/her for the next few weeks. . .” and “What did I need from the grocery again?” 

In Sensate Focus Therapy, touch is reestablished as something that is sensory-oriented, not goal-oriented. When it is understood in terms of an emotion and experience instead of a performance or obligation, the anxieties that accompany sex can start to be identified and soothed. Couples can then build on these positive experiences and expand their touching sessions to include sexual touch, pleasurable touch, and mutually bonding interactions that can be treasured, not avoided. The important thing is that they move only as quickly as is comfortable for both parties. Many times, sex within a secure, loving relationship can be more playful and adventurous than ever imagined when couples feel safe enough to be themselves and let go.

 EFT therapy and Sensate Focused Sex Therapy can go hand-in-hand. Both focus on the negative cycles that prevent a vulnerable, secure connection.   Both look closely at the emotions underlying each partner’s protective or defensive behaviors. Both also examine a couple’s impact on each other, and gradually ease them into a safe place of asking to have their needs met in a secure, loving way.

Jennifer Kane, LCSW EFT practictioner is a contracted therapist with Insight Counseling Center. Her passion is to support couples in deepening their connection and healing together.  
You may schedule an appointment directly with her at JKane@insightcounselingcenter.com or 303-517-2776.

Moving To Denver

Moving to Denver

Oct 15, 2018

Written By Lauren Whalen, LPCC

Moving to a new city is challenging. You leave friendships and the comfort of living in a place you are familiar with. You cannot step foot outside of the house without plugging directions into the GPS and suddenly even getting to the grocery store feels overwhelming. There are street names you are unfamiliar with and not a single recognizable face in sight. 

If moving to a new city isn’t hard enough, you now must navigate the challenges of adult friendships. A common problem people have, when trying to form friendships, is how to move from acquaintance or co-worker to friend. As an adult, it is difficult know how to engage with people beyond interactions at work and group happy hours with co-workers to ultimately asking a person to get together outside of the comfort of a group setting.
So, how do you know how to move that acquaintanceship to a friendship? Often, when working in my private practice as a therapist with clients, I hear people tell me that they think everyone else in Denver has friends and no one else is looking to expand their social circle. I am here to tell you that’s simply NOT TRUE. Humans are built for connection, meaning we are not made to keep to ourselves. No matter if we are introverted or extroverted we all need companionship. With this in mind, I encourage you to take the leap of faith and invite that acquaintance to get coffee, go for a walk around Cheeseman Park or host someone over for dinner. I would bet that they are looking for a friend as well and they would be relieved to get an invitation from you. That first interaction may be uncomfortable and even a little awkward, I have been there my self, but the more time you spend with a person the more comfortable it becomes.
Denver is such a unique city that attracts people from all different backgrounds. Most people in Denver have moved here from another state and can relate to the transition of a move. This city is filled with activities to do and people to meet. The challenge can be that it is intimidating to attend these events alone. There is an app called MeetUp that is intended to bring people together who have similar interests. I would encourage you to check out this app and see if any of the categories interest you. Take a leap of faith and go to an event. I remember my mom’s advice when I started high school and I only person knew one person out of a class of 1,500. She told me “everyone is in the same boat and everyone wants to make friends”. This advice was relevant to me in high school and still relevant to me as an adult. Everyone wants to make friends, but everyone feels intimidated to take that first step.
If there is one thing you can take away from this blog it is to acknowledge your braveness as you enter a new chapter of your life and embrace the challenge of navigating the unfamiliar. Be patient with yourself. Creating a community of friends will take time and even if you have lived here for over a year, you have not failed there is still time to meet people. Creating deep friendship takes time but it is certainly a worthwhile investment. Welcome to Denver!

Lauren Whalen is a contracted therapist in private practice with Insight Counseling Center.  If you would like to schedule an appointment with Lauren, you can reach out to her at LWhalen@insightcounselingcenter.com or 224-374-3609.

Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

Emotion Focused Therapy for Couples

Feb 12, 2018

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for Couples

EFT is a structured approach to couples therapy developed in the 1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson. Based on emotional responses to adult attachment, EFT assumes that relationships are at the core of the human experience. People “need” people in the best sense of the word: to create a secure bond; to be assured that they are heard, felt, and supported; to have a safe haven to explore their own potential and to handle whatever challenges the world presents. EFT is proven to work. Results from six randomized clinical trials demonstrate that EFT is beneficial to couples in distress (86% experience significant improvement*).
The Common Enemy in a Marriage – Negative Patterns
EFT begins by helping couples identify negative patterns in their relationships. For example, one partner might act critically, pointing out their partner’s faults or habits, and the other may respond defensively by arguing or pulling away. These reactions make sense – who doesn’t feel threatened when their loved ones attack them? Unfortunately, criticism and reactivity don’t bring couples closer together or make either partner feel loved or secure. On the contrary: repeated negative interactions hurt. And over time, both partners come to expect and brace themselves for these attacks from arguably the most important person in their life.
But what’s behind these behaviors? How can they change? Clearly, identifying negative cycles is the first step. What words or actions “trigger” negativity in the other? EFT probes further: what deeper emotions are being experienced, besides obvious anger and resentment? It makes sense that there would be pain, disappointment and sadness when a loved one lets us down. If we didn’t care so much, our partners’ behavior wouldn’t bother us so much. And we wouldn’t react in kind.
Expressing Deep Emotions
When conflicts are examined more calmly and compassionately, both partners can let their guard down a little and acknowledge the pain and hurt they are experiencing. Many times, they are experiencing the same fears and insecurities that they have known since childhood – fear of not being important, of being alone, of not being “good enough.” And in response, they employ the same learned responses that they’ve always used, whether they work or not.
With the help of the EFT therapist, who slows down the conflict and gives both partners the time and language to express deeper emotions, couples can learn to talk to each other in ways that don’t push the other away. They can take chances with being more vulnerable, beginning to trust that their partner does want to listen and respond to their needs. They begin to realize that their negative cycle has become an obstacle to seeing and hearing the person they love. Equally important, they realize that things can be different.
Creating New Patterns of Love
Vulnerability leads to closeness in a relationship. When couples learn to turn to each other instead of away, the possibilities are endless. Eventually, they can create and reinforce new patterns of interaction that take the place of the destructive ones. Instead of expecting the worst from their partner, they can now empathize with the fears and insecurities that are at the root of their partner’s behavior. Most important, they learn how to continue these types of conversations in the future. The latter stages of EFT help couples solidify their new dance steps until they know them by heart.

Written By Jennifer Kane, LSW. Jennifer is a contracted therapist at Insight and she is available  for couples therapy to help strengthen your connection and heal from past wounds.  Feel free to contact her at JKane@insightcounselingcenter.com or 303-517-2776.

*Taken from Furrow, Johnson & Bradley (2011), The Emotionally Focused Casebook: New Directions in Treating Couples.

Fear of Making Mistakes

Fear of Making Mistakes

Mar 13, 2019

By Beth Barta, LCSW, CAC III

If mistakes help us learn and grow, why are we so afraid to make them? What are you holding yourself back from trying or doing because you are afraid to fail? See it as an experiment and go for it! You are always held in the flow of love, even when you struggle. Back in 2002, I really wanted to quit my full time job and start my own psychotherapy practice. I had been working at a homeless shelter for three years and I was feeling like I had learned everything I could from that experience. I met a colleague at the time that was contracted with the agency to provide individual therapy. We had similar training and background and while I was doing case management, she was providing therapy to some of my clients. I really wanted to do what she was doing. I was looking for a change. She encouraged me to start my own practice and invited me to join a group of women who were also starting their own businesses.

This changed everything. I met monthly with a group of entrepreneurial women and gained so much support. Seeing other women do what I wanted to do was so helpful for me. One way to start something new in your life is to “find your people.” Seek out connection with others who are living and doing what you want to do. This will provide the model, inspiration and courage to do it too! Another way to start something new is to read about it. Spend an afternoon at the bookstore or read blogs online to find inspiration. One strategy I work with people on is to explore what the deeper fear is related to and establish a more realistic perspective about “failing.” There is no Right and there is no Wrong. As we mature we can begin to realize that life is about a series of making the best decisions we can and learning, adjusting and adapting as we go.

In this season of Spring, which is about renewal and new life, what are you ready to launch, grow or develop in yourself or into the world? I’d love to hear a story about how you have overcome your own fear and leaned into accepting that failure may be a part of the experience, but it has not stopped you.

Beth Barta, LCSW, CAC III is enthusiastic about helping you become the person you are meant to be. She will guide, coach and support you in learning the tools to ground yourself, shed unwanted stories from the past, and leap with courage into experiencing joy.

The Healing Power of Stories of Childhood Trauma and Recovery

The Healing Power of Stories of Childhood Trauma and Recovery

Jennifer Kane, LCSW, contracted therapist with Insight Counseling Center

Two recent bestselling memoirs have poignantly illuminated the effects of childhood trauma – particularly emotional deprivation – on two women who endured the pain and lived to share their experiences.

Tara Westover writes about being 17 the first time she set foot in a classroom in her memoir titled Educated.  Raised by fundamentalist Mormons in Idaho, her (undiagnosed) bipolar father forbade hospitals, so Tara never saw a doctor or nurse. Everything from an abscessed tooth to a burn from an explosion was treated at home with herbalism. The family was so isolated from mainstream society that no one ensured that the children receive an education and no one intervened when one of Tara's older brothers became violent.  Despite these obstacles and the inner turmoil she experienced, Tara taught herself enough mathematics and grammar to be admitted to Brigham Young University, where she learned for the first time about world events like the Holocaust and the civil rights movement. Her quest for knowledge allowed her to face the powerful traps of family loyalty, secret keeping, and grief that would lead to her slow transformation into a young adult who had the God-given right to self fulfillment and forgiveness.

Maude Julien shared about being physically incarcerated by her father‘s perverse experiment to raise the perfect ‘super-human’ being in the book titled The Only Girl in the World: A Memoir. Maude and her parents lived in an isolated mansion in northern France, where her father made her undergo endless horrifying endurance tests. Maude had to hold an electric fence without flinching. Her parents locked her in a cellar overnight and ordered her to sit still on a stool in the dark, contemplating death, while rats scurried around her feet.  Maude was sustained by her love of nature and animals and her passion for literature. Her heartbreaking retelling of her severe trauma is accompanied by a psychological inner-reconciliation and acceptance that can only be described as miraculous. Her story shows that it is possible to overcome severe trauma and find self-compassion and hope.

All of us are affected, for better or worse, by our early attachment experiences.  It’s much easier for those who had healthy, functional childhoods to deal with life’s inevitable struggles later on.  It’s more complicated for those who didn’t have the early experience of a parent or guardian who was responsible, accessible, and affirming.  How do people believe in their self-worth as young adults if they have never gotten the message that they are important, unconditionally loved, and able to trust the goodness in others? 

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal reported that today’s young adults in their 20s and 30s are seeking therapy in record numbers.  As a therapist and parent, that is great news.  Psychotherapy can help burgeoning adults make sense of their experiences of deprivation and lead to healing and self-fulfillment.  It’s never too late or too hopeless to love and be loved, as these recent memoirs validate.