Power Struggles in Relationships
Written By Beth Barta, LCSW, CAC III
How does a married
couple get tied up in a power struggle?
In a power struggle you may feel your partner regularly
finds fault with everything you say or do. You may start to believe “I can’t do
or say anything right As a result, you may begin to
dread seeing or talking to your partner, fearful of another discussion
spiraling into yet another fight.
” or you feel like if you say black, your partner will
say white.
It is difficult to be in a relationship without engaging
in a power struggle. It is normal for
couples to fall into a pattern of arguing over who is wrong and who is
right. Power struggles stem from growing
up in families where we learned that being wrong or making a mistake is
shameful. We began to believe that our
worth depended on being perfect or right. On an unconscious level, we fear our
partner may leave us or stop loving us if we appear fallible, vulnerable, or
imperfect. Unfortunately, our efforts to prevent this abandonment actually
sabotage the relationship.
What type of
impact can power struggles have in a marriage?
Power struggles are a way of saying: “What you say or feel doesn’t matter to
me. You must agree with me and I am
absolutely right.” This approach can
lead to deep resentment, emotional and physical distancing, and eventually divorce. In extreme cases, people may find themselves
in an emotional or physical abuse cycle.
Once safety is gone in a relationship couples find themselves thinking
we don’t have fun, we never laugh anymore, it always feels heavy, and there is
no softness or warmth between us. Finally, people express low self-worth and low
self-esteem which can lead to dysfunction in other areas of life.
How can a couple
avoid power struggles in their marriage?
When I work with couples who find themselves in regular power struggles, I
often ask them "Do you want to be happy or do you want to be
right?" I suggest a different perspective that allows for each
person to be accepted and respected for being different and that being
different is healthy and okay. There must be room in a marriage for two
differing opinions, desires, or ideas. We
need to experience trust and feel safe in order for our relationships to
flourish. The best thing a person can do
is listen, acknowledge their own fears and insecurities, and allow their loved
one to have some impact on them. Some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself in a power struggle are:
What if we are both right?
Why am I having such a difficult time?
What is contributing to my resistance (e.g. fear, anger, resentment, etc.)?
What would happen if I give in a little?
What am I willing to let go of in order to compromise?
What type of
professional help is available for a couple who has trouble avoiding power
struggles in their marriage?
There are several options for couples who find themselves
in frequent power struggles. First, remember
that conflict in a relationship is inevitable.
Once we accept this idea, we can move forward to start learning how to “fight
well.” Couples therapy can provide a
space for people to slow down the conflict and begin paying attention to
underlying emotions that develop as we interact with our partner. You can begin to practice talking to one
another differently and listening in a way that doesn’t typically happen at
home.
Couples often enter therapy 5-7
years after they start to realize there is a problem, sometimes after too much
damage has been done. Don’t wait; regardless of whether you have been together 6 months, 6 years, or 16 years,
your relationship is worth it. There are many great therapists who can assist
you in creating new patterns to help you feel close and satisfied. Additionally, you may also find a local
weekend workshop facilitated by a therapist or a book that describes the tools
and skills to start practicing.
Beth Barta, LCSW, CAC III is owner and practice manager of Insight Counseling Center.where she facilitates women's empowerment
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